My Story
This happened when I was 30 years old, on December 26th,
1999. I woke up and half my body was numb, literally. It was as if someone had
sliced me down the middle from head to toe. I thought I had a stroke. I kept
tripping over things, stumbling over my words, choking on water that I drank
and had trouble swallowing food. I was scared. I was a single, divorced mom of
three children. I didn’t have room in my life to be sick.
I
did what most people with no medical insurance do, I waited to see if it would
get better. After three apprehensive
weeks, it slowly improved.
I had previously enrolled in a nine month IT program and started classes two weeks later. Six months into the program, the other half of my body became numb. My thinking slowed down, I choked on water again and my emotions were heightened. “What was going on?!” I was scared, panicky scared. How was I going to finish school and get a job if I couldn’t think clearly?
The bulk of the numbness went away after
about a month, yet the cognitive stuff stuck around. I failed my next to last
exam and had to re-take it. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me to
learn that module. I passed the re-take and then the last exam.
I graduated in
November with a Certificate in Applied Information Technology. It was bittersweet because I knew there
was something very wrong with my body. I couldn’t think straight, nor remember
things – I slurred my speech, tripped over my own feet while walking and was losing
my eyesight in one eye. I was terrified!
Walter'o
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I had two job interviews and felt like an elementary school student. I just couldn’t put what I had learned into words. I was embarrassed at my seemingly lack of intelligence. I knew I had to do something, and fast! I had run out of money from my loan, had my kids to feed and the mortgage to pay.
Thank goodness I had child support and a renter. This gave
me $150 for food for the month after bills. Not much, but it was better than $0
for food.
I went to see my healer-friend and she would make the symptoms go away… for a week. They would
come back and she would help me again. By the third time they came back, she
lovingly told me that there was something going on that she couldn’t help me
with and I needed to see a doctor.
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I must have had a hopeless look on my face
because she asked me if I had insurance. The kids did, but I didn’t. She
said she knew of a place that had a program for which I could apply and she
gave me the number for it.
Then she asked
if I had enough food. With
tears welling up in my eyes, I
shook my head. She told me to wait there and went somewhere. She came back with
a grocery bag full of food for me and the kids. She said she would introduce me
to the Food Bank and that we would never have to worry about being hungry. This
was very humbling and a huge lesson for me in swallowing my pride and allowing
other people to help me.
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The next day I
called and made an appointment to apply for medical assistance. This entailed
filling out about 8 pages of information, including my income, bills, mortgage,
food, medicines, etc… After I was
approved for some assistance, I made an appointment to see one of their
doctors.
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When I finally had my appointment, I went by myself and saw
one of the Residents. I explained my symptoms up to that point and she looked
me over. She asked me some questions and said I needed to go to the hospital
for an MRI to see what was going on inside my head. I made an appointment.
I told my healer-friend what the doctor said and she asked me if I wanted her to come
with me. She said that no one should be alone when going through something like
that. So she came with me a week later when I had the procedure done and we waited a week
for the results.
Back at the
doctor’s office, the doctor was being cautious as she read the results. She was
concerned about “labeling” it as something since I didn’t have insurance. She
was afraid to put it in my file, in case it would prevent me from getting insurance in the future.
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She said I needed to go see a neurologist since I had “MS-like” lesions on my brain. When I finally saw him, he gave me a stack of
information on MS. He must have noticed the shocked and confused look on my
face because he asked, “They didn’t tell you, did they?”
There it was, the
frog that landed in my lap -- The MS frog—
soutien67.free.fr
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I was given information about administering a
“disease-modifying” injection once a week to myself; Along with financial assistance
for the $1,000/month injection, and lessons on how to do it. Once again, my
healer-friend came with me while I sat poised with a 1 ½” needle held above my
leg. The feelings of fear, anxiety, deep sadness and sheer denial,
intermixed with the thoughts of, “I can do it….I can do it….”, “One…., two….,
three.… go”, also mixed with tears off and on… I finally built up the courage,
before I jammed it into my thigh.
I wish I could
say it got easier as time went on, but it didn’t. I would have my kids sit with
me while I gathered the courage time and time again. I would buy oranges
specifically so they could practice on them. The boys got tired of this
quickly, yet my daughter would sit faithfully by my side, sometimes with a
friend. At times I would succeed, and other times I would give up until the next
day.
After a year and
½, I finally said, “I’m done with this!” I told my doctor that the flu-like
side effects were not worth it and the actual act was too much for me to commit
week after week. He put me on a different medication with a smaller needle and
fewer side effects--yet it was every day. This time, the medication came with
an auto-inject option. My daughter was able to help me by pushing the button.
It felt better having her be a part of my journey. This went on with her help
for about a year and ½.
I balked again at the daily grind of the process. I said,
“I am not going to do this for the rest of my life!” I needed to do this my way. My Neurologist
was not happy with my decision. He said to do whatever alternative methods I
needed to do, but please, “stay on the medicine.”
I decided that my diet was my medicine. The food I put in my body was going to be what I needed to heal myself; food, my thoughts, my spiritual practice, journaling and daily exercise.
I decided that my diet was my medicine. The food I put in my body was going to be what I needed to heal myself; food, my thoughts, my spiritual practice, journaling and daily exercise.
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It was about this time that a friend stopped
by and brought me a book by Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. This
book changed my life. It was instrumental in helping me shift my perspective
and mindset. It helped me take charge of my health and change.
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Up to that point
I had been a runner yet had to stop because I would get overheated. That didn’t keep me from walking every day,
though.
While I walked,
I would pick different affirmations to say to myself. This is one of my
learning’s from You Can Heal Your Life. Over and over I would say them. I called them
my ‘walking meditations’. My therapist at the time gave me the ‘Loving
Kindness’ meditation by Joan Borysenko. I would say this the most and it goes like
this:
May I be at peace. May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true
nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing for all other beings.
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Another piece to
my healing puzzle is making sure I take care of my spirit. I do things that
bring joy to my life and relaxation. I feed my soul with laughter, color and
creating. How do I do this, you might ask…
I put my hands
in the soil and grow a garden. I bend and weld pieces of metal together to make
beautiful things. I paint the walls with different colors and sayings. I put up
pictures that make me happy. I laugh often with my husband. I re-connect with
my children. I play with my animals. I play my guitar and sing. I write songs.
I meditate. I read. I paint. I knit. I make pottery. I write. I journal. I feed
the birds. I spend time with my friends with
disabilities. I share my love
wherever I go. I live…
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This is my story until 2016...